Overheard at a Bar
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Do you have any cider other than apple or pear?
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Viagra
First man: I'm taking viagra with me, in case the sea gets rough.
Second man: Why?
First man: Well, if you have a stiffy, you can't roll out of bed.
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First Man: You know the hospital?
Second Man: Yeah.
First Man: They're repainting the side of it.
Second Man: Oh.
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You’ll be wiping condensation off your cock later.

Man at bar.

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The problem with summer is that all the sweat and sun cream makes children really slippery and hard to catch.
Man at bar, talking about his own children.  We hope.
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Batman…He’s like a kind-of detective.
Eloquent man at bar delivers his florid description of the caped crusader to a friend.
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I once had a few too many on a night out and fell asleep on a pub toilet. When I woke up everything was silent and dark. I thought I’d died.

After a lengthy deliberation, I concluded that I probably wasn’t dead and tentatively made my way out of the toilet. I discovered I was alone in an unlit - and unfamiliar - pub. I looked out of the window to work out where I was and - reading the hanging sign - found it was a pub that I had no memory of going into. I tried the door, but it was locked. Then the alarm went off.

After a frantic, and rather befuddled, search, I found a phone behind the bar and called the police to tell them that I was trapped in the pub. They said they’d contact the key-holder and come with him to let me out.

By the time I was freed it was daylight. The policewoman asked if I wanted her to call my wife to let her know I was okay and explain why I was so late home. I declined.

Man at bar.
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Just because it’s well manicured, it doesn’t mean it’s a theme park.
Mind literally boggling. Never overhear things at a bar, people. It only encourages fevered speculation and imaginings about fun rides and downstairs hair.
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The Indian Taxi Driver Museum
Man: ...and of course, you could go to the industrial textile museum...
Woman (incredulously): THE WHAT?!?!?!
Man: The industrial textile museum.
Woman: Oh, I thought you said "the Indian taxi driver museum".
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When I was a kid, the only time I prayed to God was when I couldn’t find a Lego brick.